


Don't Know What to Say

by Elfwitch



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 21:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20071171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwitch/pseuds/Elfwitch
Summary: Jaejoong feels as if he's keeping Yunho from obtaining what he really wants in life, such as a family of his own. Does Yunho feel the same way?





	Don't Know What to Say

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Dong bang shin gi.  
This was written in 2011.

Changmin walked out of the dressing room an almost frustrated look on his handsome face. He was holding two rather nice tux suits in his right hand, one black the other white; Yunho had sided with neither. Yoochun and Junsu were seated, more like the audience as they waited for Yunho to try on one of the tuxes so they could decide which one suited him best. There was a large gap between them, large enough for Changmin to plop down on looking all the more like he wanted to throw his hands up and say: fuck the world!

"Don't tell me--he doesn't like them?" Yoochun exclaimed sounding as irritated as he looked. "I'm not going to be his best-man if he keeps up like this." Junsu looked like he wanted to roll his eyes, but just crossed one leg over the other and watched Yunho appear and walk stiffly toward them.

"I've changed my mind, let's do this another day."

"Another day?" Yoochun interjected. Changmin just groaned and Junsu looked in the other direction. "Your wedding is a month away and you don't even have a suit why did you agree to marry her if you knew you weren't going to be able to go through with it!?" 

The two older men had somewhat of an intense stare-off. Yunho and Yoochun's relationship had always been strained thanks to their mutual affection for the lone, dark-haired, doe-eyed beauty Jaejoong. Both Junsu and Changmin had been rather surprised, no, downright shocked when Yunho had asked Yoochun to be his best-man as they all thought he was going to ask Changmin or Heechul to accept that honor. It had shocked them even more when Yoochun agreed.

Yunho and Jaejoong had still been dating when the news broke out that Yunho was engaged. Apparently Yunho's parents had taken it upon themselves to make the decision for their son since he didn't seem to be in any rush to do so him-self. All eyes were immediately on Jaejoong. Those that knew of their secret relationship wanting to know how he felt, what he would do? Jaejoong had accepted the heart-breaking news without much of an fight even going as far as to say he was happy for the two of them. Three days later Jaejoong had packed up his things and left South Korea. Where he was no one knew and the aftermath of his absence could still be felt even three months after the fact.

The first to look away was Yunho. It wasn't like he had actually agreed to marry Yuri. He hadn't had much of a choice in the matter. It might have been a bit easier to go through with this forced marriage had Jaejoong been around to support him, but the other had just up and left without so much as a good-bye. Yunho's anger after these three months of Jaejoong being God knows where had transformed into something akin to betrayal. Didn't they love each other? Was their devotion to one another not real?

"My mind just isn't in it today, let's do it some other day."

Yunho walked off after that effectively putting an end to the conversation. Changmin threw both Yoochun and Junsu an helpless look before walking off after Yunho. Junsu was still seated staring off after them long after they had gone, not wanting to acknowledge the fact that he was now alone with his ex-boyfriend.

"I think he should just call this whole wedding off, he doesn't want to marry Yuri he's still pining after Jaejoong. This whole thing is a waste of time." Yoochun gathered his things together since Yunho had gone there was really no other reason to stick around. "You rode in with Changmin right? I can take you home if you want."

Junsu looked as if he was trying to find some good reason to refuse, though when nothing was forthcoming he just nodded his head. It was awkward and painful being around Yoochun nowadays, especially since he had only just recently found out that Yoochun had a girlfriend from a third party. The fact that Yoochun hadn't told him outright that he was with someone else just fueled Junsu's anger over their break-up all the more--he had actually thought they would get back together, but now he knew that that wasn't going to happen. Junsu turned to look back at the other man as Yoochun hadn't moved or spoken and he was wondering what the hold-up was. Yoochun was standing now, but he was staring at him as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words to say. 

Junsu didn't want him to say a thing. It was over, Yoochun had lost him forever.

Jaejoong had been living a pretty quiet life for the past six months. He had enrolled in school, had a part-time job and had managed to find a cheap apartment to move into for the time being. All without knowing English that well, or at all really. Jaejoong had his Korean-American friend Chris to thank for that, if it wasn't for him Jaejoong would have been up shit creek without a paddle. It still amazed him even months later after having smiled in Yunho's face telling the other man how happy he was for him that he had actually without much thought boarded the first plane out of South Korea not once looking back.

He had wanted to support Yunho. In fact he had been the sole reason behind Yunho agreeing to the marriage in the first place. Yes, he loved Yunho and if it were possible he would have spent the rest of his life with him, but life was unfair and he didn't want to hold Yunho back from experiencing the joy of having kids of his own. Yunho was going to be a wonderful dad, Jaejoong knew this, and just as he knew this he also knew that with his male body he could never give Yunho what he so desired: a family.

Exhausted from school Jaejoong had only enough willpower to make him-self a cup of instant noodles. The TV in his living area down so low it was only a dull sound in the background as he plopped down in front of his lap top. Jaejoong figured that five months had been quite a long enough time to have his friends worrying themselves crazy over him. It was about time that he finally made contact with them, let them know that he was doing fine and not to tell Yunho that he had been in touch with them. He wasn't quite ready to deal with Yunho, talk to him, hear the others man's voice... Jaejoong knew that not enough time had passed between them, he just wasn't ready to face him yet.

He wondered if he ever would be?

The smell of rice, fish and sauce assaulted Yunho's nose upon entering the space he shared with his fiancee. Their wedding had been pushed back, indefinitely. Yunho's heart just wasn't in it and he didn't want to put Yuri through that type of one-sided affair. It wasn't that he didn't like her, he did, but in a friendly, casual, completely platonic way. Yuri wasn't drop dead gorgeous, she wasn't the type to stand out in a crowd, not like Jaejoong. She was average, pretty in a very unassuming way. Yuri was the type of girl you wanted to protect in love. Had Yunho never met Jaejoong he could have seen him-self spending the rest of his life with Yuri. As it was he just wanted to end this farce, continuing to string her along would only deepen the heartbreak.

Yuri turned giving him a smile that didn't reach her eyes, holding out the sauce on a wooden spoon so he could taste it.

"Mmm... it's very good." It was true, but Yunho couldn't help but feel like he was swallowing poison. Yuri turned away from him, stirring the sauce in slow even motions. Her shoulders were so small and Yunho had the sudden urge to place his hands on them and squeeze. The dinner wasn't so much stiff as it was uncomfortable. The couple sat on opposite ends of the table, Yuri eating demurely and quietly. Yunho just stuffing the fish and rise into his palate and looking everywhere but at the woman seated in front of him.

Yunho was so nervous that he didn't even take notice when he started humming around the food in his mouth. Yuri looked over at him a soft sad smile on her face. Yunho dipped some of his rice in the sauce and placed it into his mouth, some of it dripping off onto his chin. Of course Yunho was oblivious to this. Yuri giggled into her hand. Yunho stared over at her a bit amazed at hearing her laughter. It wasn't like he hadn't heard her laugh before, it was just that ever since they had become an official couple her laughing was just a rare occurrence.

"What's so funny?" Yunho asked, his lips quirking up in a wry smile.

Yuri grabbed a napkin and walking over to Yunho she leaned over and gently wiped the sauce off his chin, lingering long afterward, her soft breath blowing onto his cheek. Yunho didn't quite know where to look, but for some reason ended up staring at the crease between her breasts. Yunho flushed red and quickly looked up to stare into her almond shaped brown eyes. It may have not been the best course of action, because now their lips were only a few inches apart.

("I think we should meet up tomorrow and talk, it's been a while since we've done that, yes?"

Jaejoong smiled. He supposed it had been a while since him and Chris spent any sort of time together.

"Okay... when are you going to pick me up?")

Yuri closed her eyes as if on impulse. Yunho gulped. It wasn't like he hadn't kissed a girl before and yet the entire time they had been together Yunho had only kissed her on her cheek and the back of her hand. Her small lips, a light pink and slightly greasy from the sauce and fish. Yuri smelled good, like some sort of flower that Yunho couldn't name at the moment. It was doing weird things to his head, like actually making him think he wanted to kiss someone other than Jaejoong. Their lips met. A light pressing, a soft sigh from Yuri.

I'm sorry, Jaejoong.

(Jaejoong hung up the phone and grabbing his Hamtaro plushie he hugged it up against his chest. His living area was dark, the TV off. The candles on the low table in front of him filling the small space with intimate shadows. Jaejoong closed his eyes and thought of Yunho invading his space, his wet lips meeting his in a soft yet sure kiss. Yunho's small, almost dainty hands lifting up his t-shirt a bit to run along the tight pale muscles of his stomach.

The tears that filled his eyes after such a thought, stung.

Yunho... I miss you.)

Yunho's hands clamped down on Yuri's shoulders and he gently pushed her back. Yuri's eyes fluttered open and she gave him an confused stare.

"Yunho...?"

"I'm sorry," Yunho whispered, and he genuinely truly was. It hadn't been his intention to hurt her, if he could love her he would have. Yuri blinked back her tears and gave Yunho a smile (she already knew his heart belonged to someone else). Yunho pulled her into an almost crushing hug, wilting inside as he felt her shoulders shake. He was a horrible person.

I'm sorry, Jaejoong, but I love you.

"You look down," Chris observed as he took his seat in front of a pouting Jaejoong who looked like he was trying to purposely blind him-self with the rays of the sun. Jaejoong turned his head, the sadness in them making Chris momentarily speechless.

"Hey Chris, you look great." Jaejoong gave him a pretty forced once over. Chris had been working out so he had built up an incredible amount of muscle mass, shamelessly flaunting it with his white beater shirt. Chris frowned at Jaejoong.

"Are you all right, I mean if you didn't want to see me--"

"It's not that at all," Jaejoong sighed. "I just have a lot on my mind."

They ordered their drinks, a coke for Chris and a chocolate milk for Jaejoong.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really,"

"Hmm? Could the reason that you're so blue be because of that guy you left behind in South Korea?"

Jaejoong gave his friend a wide-eyed stare. They'd chatted about it when he first came down here to Los Angeles, but he had no idea that Chris had actually been paying attention to his drunken rambles. He knew the other guy wasn't a homophobe, but it didn't mortify him any less. Chris switched to Korean, so that anybody ease dropping wouldn't be able to understand their conversation.

"I don't get why you won't just call that guy up, what's his name?"

"Yunho," Jaejoong said automatically. "I can't call him, you don't understand what he does to me..."

Chris looked contemplative as he gave Jaejoong a long hard stare. Jaejoong blushing under his gaze, a bit relieved when the waitress returned with their drinks. At least he now had something to distract him-self with.

"You know Jae--they're more ways than just the telephone that you can use to communicate with someone." Chris sipped idly on his coke. "I mean you'll never know his true feelings if you keep running away from him like this."

Jaejoong tried to hide his emotions behind the mug of chocolate in his hands. He however couldn't hide the fact that Chris had a point, it was time to break the silence and reach out in the only way he could to the only man he loved.

(My Yunho,

I'm going to start this letter off by apologizing for just up and leaving the way I did. I know I said that it didn't bother me and that I was happy for you, but I was lying. If this is what you want, if you want to marry her Yunho all I can do is support you, but I can't be there and watch you marry someone else. I wouldn't be able to bare knowing that you were spending the rest of your life with someone that wasn't me. Is this selfish? I don't care, I want you all of you, not just a part of you. I wish I could tell you where I was staying Yunho, or how long I would be staying, but I can't.

How are you doing? I shouldn't be asking you this, but I miss you like crazy (I miss Yoochun, Junsu and Changmin too), I miss you so much Yunho that it hurts. I hope she loves you as much as I do, I hope she knows how to cook and clean. I hope she knows how to make you smile and laugh. I hope she fixes your tye in the morning before you head out to work, because you're hopeless like that. I guess I just hope that she makes you happy.

I can't stand being away from you, but I can't stand being near you knowing I can't have you. It's the worse feeling in the world and I'm just tired of feeling this way. You always fall the hardest for the one person in life who you can't have. If we never meet again in this life Yunho, I hope we meet again in the next. I'm not sure how long I'm going to be here, maybe forever, because that's how long I'm going to be in love with you.

I wish you nothing but the best, in time, perhaps, we'll forget about each other.

Yours Jaejoong.)

"I think we should go out, like on a date or something."

Jaejoong almost dropped the book he was holding and looked over at Chris with slanted eyes. He almost couldn't believe his friend had said that, why would he say that? Jaejoong hadn't dated anyone since Yunho and he had no interest in dating anyone other than him either. Yunho was most likely married now and probably had a kid on the way. It was something Jaejoong would never know, something he didn't want to know. If he couldn't be with Yunho, he didn't want to be with anyone.

"It's been two years Jaejoong, you can't deny yourself of the opportunity to find happiness with someone else, Yunho did."

Did he? Jaejoong looked away.

"I--" at that moment Jaejoong had looked back over at Chris only to glance at the person standing a few feet behind him. Jaejoong did drop the book he was holding stumbling away from the bookshelf in a sort of daze. Chris was giving him an odd stare wondering what Jaejoong was staring at. He looked over his shoulder, his mouth dropping open as he recognized the tall man with the small face.

"Well... damn..." Chris murmured.

Jaejoong shot passed Chris as if the other man wasn't standing there and ran straight into Yunho's arms. The other man laughing as he was winded wrapping his arms around Jaejoong's still small waist. The tears Jaejoong had been holding back came like a flood of happiness to his eyes, soaking Yunho's neck.

"Boo, I've finally found you." Yunho's voice was thick with an emotion he couldn't describe. He'd spent the past year trying to locate Jaejoong, surprised that it had actually took him this long. Yunho never would have thought that Jaejoong would have moved and settled in Los Angeles California. "I've finally found you."

Jaejoong captured Yunho's lips in a kiss, full of two years of longing. He didn't care who saw or what anyone who might happen upon them; was already watching them, thought. Yunho was here, Yunho had searched for him, Yunho had found him and that was all that mattered.

"Yes," Jaejoong breathed, pulling Yunho closer and kissing him again, deeply. "You found me."


End file.
